someone threw a dead crab at me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
