If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
