I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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