My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
