I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
