i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
