I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
