Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you bring me the toilet please
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
