I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
