my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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