I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
