nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
