There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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