I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
