I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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