Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So squirting runs in the family.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
