He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
