Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
