I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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