You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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