wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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