i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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