JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
