why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
