She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
