I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
