I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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