you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
