i may or may not be watching the land before time
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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