She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
