I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
