Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
