At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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