im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
