It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
