Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
