Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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