I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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