Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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