I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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