On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
