Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
