Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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