found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
