My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
