hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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