Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it was like eating out sand paper
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
