you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize