I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
