I have demons in me.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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