Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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