as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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