Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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