Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
