Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
