I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
