I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
