I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
