I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
