goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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