1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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