dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
